The Pith Report: Man Worried He’s Starting to Care About His Job

Image courtesy of Instagram user @raccoonsarenotafraidofpeople

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first writing job. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.

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Man Worried He’s Starting To Care About His Job

SALCHA, AK – Timothy Renfro, a front-end supervisor for Rite-Aid, is worried he is beginning to care about his job, sources reported Wednesday. Renfro, 31, was hired as a customer service specialist at the pharmacy chain four years ago in an attempt to pay for a second year of community college. “Back in ‘05, I made sure everyone knew I was only here temporarily,” Renfro explained, “but then I was promoted to lead cashier after eight months and I figured I could put off school for a year. Man, I used to watch the clock all day, waiting for my shift to end. But now, well, sometimes I stay late, even after I’ve clocked out. Jesus, what have I become?” Finding himself in the same position he once declared ‘easy enough for a brain-dead monkey,’ Renfro further lamented his newfound job satisfaction. “I sometimes shoot clay with my boss, Randy, and all we ever talk about is work. Last week, he asked me to write up a list of ideas for improving employee training and I actually got excited. God, I’m pathetic.” As of press time, Renfro had picked up an application for a ’sandwich artist’ position at Subway, a job he reportedly ‘could never, ever possibly care about.’