The Pith Report: Grandfather Suspects He’s Being Groomed to Play Santa Claus

In a bid to get hired by The Onion, I once launched and maintained a satirical news blog. The plan was unsuccessful but the blog was, oddly, instrumental in landing my first writing job. A mix of new and recycled entries, this is The Pith Report.

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Grandfather Suspects He’s Being Groomed to Play Santa Claus

HIBBING, MN – Ford Wallace, a 72-year-old retired iron worker with seventeen grandchildren, is beginning to suspect he is being groomed to play Santa Claus this Christmas. In years past, Wallace has been content to sit back and let his older brother Harold fulfill the annual tradition of dressing up like Saint Nicholas during the family get-togethers. “Harry loves dressing up and doing that stuff,” Wallace said, “but he had a stroke in August. Now my wife keeps saying how much it would break his heart if there was no Santa for the kids.” Wallace also cited his wife’s cajoling attempts for him to grow out his beard and frequent comments about ‘getting a little meat on [his] bones.’ “Last Monday, during the Vikings game, she told me she needed to measure my waist and inseam,” Wallace grumbled. “I asked her what for and she just said it was a project she was working on. Goddamnit.” Wallace’s suspicions were all but confirmed when he found his missing black rain boots under his wife’s craft table, complete with freshly sewn white faux-fir trim. Mumbled Wallace: “Jesus Christ.”